How to Feel Fly as Fuck: Notes from a Normal (Who Used to Suck at it)

How to Feel Fly as Fuck: Notes from a Normal (Who Used to Suck at it)

From a young age, two things were made clear to me:

  1. Appearance was incredibly important. 

  2. My appearance was unacceptable.

Let's zoom on past the various, achingly ordinary ways this zap was put on me, as these are ultimately unimportant to the titular task at hand, and replace it with a brief summary of the pertinents: 

I developed an anxiety disorder >> much sadness ensued >> eventually, I visited a therapist! >>and I am now fairly recovered.

I am now even able to (sometimes) slink around in a group of people (booze helps) in a way that (in my mind) is V. Jessica Rabbit - (that in actuality may look like a maimed dolphin attempting to swim with one flipper, but who knows). However it is still basically impossible for a picture to be taken of me that I will consider "good." Generally, meh is the best I can hope for. 

So, how does a person who feels herself thoroughly Meh find her way to feeling foxy? Like anything else that seems like it should be simple, it was really fucking difficult, and it took a lot of practice. I show my work below: 

1. If it seems like someone is flirting with you, they probably actually are.

For the longest time it was hard for me to believe that hot people would find me hot also and want to waft their pheromones in my general direction. In part we can blame civilization (because why not! but also) because these societal constructs have, over time, taught us to suppress our instincts, in order to promote peaceful, collaborative production. This is often beneficial, as anyone who has ever worked on a group project and refrained from murdering all their groupmates can attest. But it is sometimes detrimental, which is why some people can successfully navigate uncharted woods, and some of us can't unlock the mysteries of our GPS systems. But though we have jammed the cotton deep into our ears, our instincts sing to us still.

For example, if an attractive person goes out of their way to talk to you, or is looking at you in a certain kind of way, your instincts are probably striking up the Might be Sexy Time Chorus.  However,  if you are an awkward idiot convinced of your own utter unappealingness, you may be inclined to ignore the sexy time song and interpret this behavior as "weird." Appealing as they are, you reason, instincts are liars, and anyways you know this can't actually be a come on. But it can. It is. You are a person people want to flirt with.

Consider the following conventional wisdom expressed in various ways: 

a) aint no accounting for taste
b) no honey is so sweet that it charms all tongues; no bitterness so base that some won't seek its flavor
c) there's an ass for every seat

Choose your favorite refrain above and buckle up, because I promise you it is happening. 

Dear lord, when I think of all the tanned arms that might have wrapped around me, and the sexy mouths I might’ve mashed to mine...

This is what I do not want for you, baby peaches and eggplants!

So what the fuck do you do about it?

2. Sasha Fierce

Also expressed: "Act as if", "Fake it Till you make it", and in a thousand other gross adages. Do what queen Bey does (did!) and invent whole cloth a new personality that you can embody. Or do what I did (and do!) and find an example of a sexy mother fucker you want to be when you grow up and just pretend to be her/him. My personal pattern is Rene Russo from the Thomas Crowne Affair (a delicious and sexy movie that I recommend you watch immediately if you haven't seen). In it, she is powerful because she is intelligent and capable, she is confident and poised because she knows it, and that's what makes her sexy. It was everything I wanted to be and feel. 

3. Methodology:

Ignore your mirror. Ignore Reality. Pretend your ass off.

For the purposes of this exercise, you are your own goddamn fairy godmother. Dress yourself in something you feel comfortably decent in, so you won't be constantly conscious of your clothes. Fix your face and hair they way you're used to and walk the fuck away from your mirror. You will not be using your mirror again for the rest of the evening. Your imagination is your mirror from here on out. 

For your first trick, bop yourself on the head with your imaginary wand (or the very real wand you got from the Harry Potter store online, live your life) and imagine you look JUST like your pattern person. 

Holy Fuck! You are so hot now!

You are so hot now, you would even fuck yourself. Don't go back to that mirror. Don't you goddamn do it

Now: think to yourself, how would Rene Russo move through a room, if she were here. Begin your Rene Russo impression: move through the room that way. 

Trick 2: How do men react to your pattern person? Pretend they are reacting to you this way. Assume that if they talk to you, it's cause they are thirsty for a flake of your attention, and willing to work for it. Feel their eyeballs on you. Smirk to yourself because you know they all want your impossibly sexy ass, but they gone hafta show you some shit to win you, cause even Pierce effing Brosnan had bring his A game to get Rene Russo to look twice at him in that movie, and THAT IS YOU NOW, you are Rene Russo, and this bar is just full of regular dudes.  

Ignore the fact that you know you are a weird impostor troll and pretend like you are acknowledged to be the foremost Rene Russo in Thomas Crowne impersonator.

At first you will feel like a fucking fool.

Do it anyways.

Booze helps. 

4. Practice

As became apparent to me this one time in college when I was on a flight that got delayed overnight, and by sheer virtue of making moves, I acquired a whole pack of middle aged women who followed me around the airport and into the airport hotel like my very own baby ducklings, if you act like you know what you're doing, people will believe you know what you're doing. If you act like you are Rene Russo in the Thomas Crowne Affair, people will treat you like you're Rene Russo in the Thomas Crowne Affair.

You just say to yourself, ok, sure, I mean, maybe I wouldn't fuck me, but I know all you motherfuckers would!

They. Will. Agree.

Yes! they will pant, we would love to! How can we win your affection?  

I swear to god, it is like real life magic.

The first time it happens, maybe it feels false. Maybe it feels like a trick. But the more you feel people reacting to you the way they react to your pattern person, the more real, the more possible it feels. Because it happened. You were there the whole time.

And the more you practice laying the pattern of your ideal sexy smirk over your own lips, the more the pattern fades; until eventually, with almost no imagination, someone will speak to you and your lips will split into a smile that is more yours than hers, and you will believe they mean it when they smile back.

And who knows what arms, (and legs, and who knows what other et ceteras)  you might get tangled up in then.

Amirite?

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