The Trouble with Tiger Jumpsuits and Big Small Cities

The Trouble with Tiger Jumpsuits and Big Small Cities

So this all started when a friend of mine invited me to a onesie party. This event was being held at a bar I typically avoid, as it is generally a bro's paradise which is, in general, not my jam. But I was willing to overlook the location in favor of the delightful absurdity of a room full of adults wearing furry pajamas out in the wild.  I mean, i am a person who has a costume closet in her home. So, the friend who invited me was in charge of procuring onesies for our group. I am told the only size available was Men's medium, and presented with an enormous navy blue garment made from muppet felt, and the words #1 dad printed all over it. I am in love! We leave the house looking like grover's insane older sister and brother, and bounce down to the bar in the best of spirits.

I wasn't exactly sure what all i would encounter when we got there, but i was not disappointed! There were unicorns, dragons, dudes and ladies in wrestling singlets, dour, un-fun people in regular clothes, and one cute tiger over by the bar. Conveniently, the gimmick of this party made it incredibly easy to talk to people, by dropping such lines as "excellent onesie," or, "so, you're a tiger, eh?" Magically, by using some flavor of this suaveness i start up a conversation with the cute tiger, we hang out all night, dancing like morons and doing some light smooching in the middle of the dance floor like 22 year olds. I leave early because i am straight melting inside my muppet suit and i want very badly to strip it off, but feel like that would be frowned upon in public, so we switch the digits and make a date for later that week.

At this point you are probably like, aw, cute! i see no problem here. well, hold onto your butts because its about to get very DC up in this story:

Friday I am out with Friend 1 from before and also Friends 2 and 3, who were not in town for the onesie jam. As we are walking away from happy hour and towards pizza, Friend 1 proudly declares that your Head Peach in Charge, "won the weekend" last night, which is his dumb code for (probably) getting laid, which i did not do cause muppet suits are basically ovens, amongst other reasons. However our little date HAD gone well, and i was feeling fairly proud of myself, and so i agree, "yes, i met a cute tiger there that plays drums" and Friend 2 grinds to a halt and says, eyes glittering with maniacal glee, "O really, *I* know a who owns a tiger onesie and plays drums"





(at this point it is important to note that i walked over to Tiger Eggplant's house to meet him before the fun date we went on, and as i was walking up, i had the thought, oh Friend 2 lives over here, VERY near, here, in fact, is this his house? no, surely this isn't his house, please lord let this not be his house, it will be so embarrassing i will die. as he came to the door i heard shuffling around in there, but no roommates peeked their heads out to see what was the what. our story continues below)


"Is his name CENSORED?"


we have all stopped walking now and Friends 1 and 3 are following this exchange with an almost equal amount of enjoyment as Friend 2

"and does he work at THIS ONE PLACE?"

"fucking DC man" i reply, and Friends 1-3 proceed to lose their shit laughing, and set off on a course of taunts and torture as only true friends can, and the sidewalk does not swallow me, so i find myself confronting the following dilemma:

There are 5 options as I see it:


1.  Allow this teasing to change my opinion of Tiger Eggplant (as he is not Friend 2's favorite roomie and this is indeed a strike against him) and break it off with Tiger Eggplant, because I am no longer feeling it

2. Allow this teasing to damage me emotionally, and never speak to Tiger Eggplant again, for fear of further ridicule and the possibility Friend 2 might ever overhear us having sex

3. Acknowledge that this teasing is making me embarrassed, but that also DC is only 7 miles across and clotted full of people and Tiger Eggplant and I sure did have fun on our romp around the city

4. Go full scorched earth and never speak to any of these motherfuckers again

5. End up falling in love with Tiger Eggplant and have a fun story for our wedding because my life has turned into a romantic comedy.


I chose option 3, and told my fucking friends:

"hey, it's not like i regret him. we had a fun time" and once i said it i discovered this was true.  I didn't regret hooking up or hanging out with him. Regretting people is a nasty business, and snares past you on a hook for not knowing what future you does, which would've been impossible. If past me had known tiger eggplant was Friend 2's roommate, would i have smooched his sweet, sweat slick tiger face? probably not. But past me saw a cute boy who seemed to like her and went for it, which i can only hope future me will continue to do.

so this declaration threw my fucking friends right off their game, and they immediately conceded, "no, i mean, i feel like he's a good dude if you met him out, but as a roommate..." and proceeded to give me a litany of appalling behaviors that Tiger did at the house, which pushed me a bit towards option 1, but i was committed at that point, so,

Bravely i texted Tiger Eggplant to attempt a second date.

And that mother fucker ghosted me.


I still don't regret it, and now i have this great story, and i have practice following my heart towards someone (even the wrong someone) even when embarrassing and difficult to do so.

My dudes, do not do this.

My dudes, do not do this.

What am I even doing here?