Beginner's Guide to Ethical Fucking

Beginner's Guide to Ethical Fucking

I was recently chatting with a Baby Peach who confided over a pile of eggs and homefries that she was feeling all type a ways about the boy she'd just started hanging out with, and from whose house she had recently emerged.

As she anxiously stabbed at her cheese eggs while unspooling her list of actions dude in question had taken, I knowingly arched my eyebrow, while sipping my mimosa.  I recognized this swirl of emotions, having surfed it myself when I too was just a baby peach, just starting to explore the produce section.

Naturally, I considered it my solemn duty to share the secrets I have learned along the way, for the betterment of her life (and of stories to be dispensed at future brunches). So, over the course of several mimosas more, I issued her the following advice and recommendations, a sort of beginners guide, if you will.

1. Breakfast Politics

Part one of baby Peach's pain sprung from the fact that Older Eggplant had encouraged her to stay over and join him for breakfast the following day. Considering she was at brunch with me, no one should be surprised to hear she did not accept this invitation. However I was slightly surprised to hear the fearful dismay with which she received his invitation, and the panic with which she described her escape from his house in the early hours.

You guys. Sleeping over somewhere does not mean you're in a relationship.

It probably only means that you recognize it's late at night, transit is probably difficult, you are maybe kinda tired after all that delicious exertion, and - most importantly - you are wisely awake to the possibility of maybe fucking again in the morning.

I personally haaaaaaaaaaaaate smuggling myself out of someone's apartment in the small hours of the night/morning, and straight up refuse to do it any more. Furthermore, by the power vested in me by this blog, and for reasons explored below, I am issuing an edict for all mankind:

If you're willing to smear your mucous membranes all over a person, DO NOT KICK THEM OUT OF YOUR HOUSE before 8am (6am on workdays). 

I'm not saying you need to cuddle them all night, softly stroking their hair and dropping feathery kisses on their neck and shoulders. But goddamn people. How bout we just be adults about this.

I do not want to hear you whining about how "I can't sleep well with someone else in my bed." Shut up, you infant, that is asinine and you know it, cause I bet you've done it before, either with friends or lovers, and if not, well. Welcome to new experiences!

To treat a person as valuable for obtaining an orgasm, but as unworthy of sharing your shitty mattress for 4-6 hours, is to treat them like a disposable, living sex doll. This is the absolute definition of using someone, to treat them like an object, and therefore to abdicate your responsibility as an ethical human being to treat your partner with kindness and respect. If you ask (or strongly imply, don't think I don't see you) your partner to leave before dawn, be assured, this is what you're doing. 

Now, if you are the person whose home it is not, and you want to leave because of the aforementioned dumb reason of "sleep" then feel free. Sure. You are an autonomous human and you can choose your own choices. Have fun in your 4am Uber.

But don't feel like you have to leave or that you should leave because you're just hooking up or in a "just casual" status. And you don't have to feel suspicious of your partner when they act like an ethical human and invite you to stay over.

I repeat: don't sleep on that morning sex! (see what I did there?)

As for breakfast, that is definitely optional, but certainly can be a bonus! Pancakes! Bacon! 

tl;dr: Fuck whoever you want, but you can't kick them out. This makes you a dick.

2. Eat a dick = Yes! Be a dick = NO.

It took someone actually treating me with the aforementioned kindness and respect for me to get used to the idea that you can establish emotional boundaries without being an dickhead. This is all an issue of assumptions.

Instead of busily assuming that your partner is a predator, poised to fall in love with you, and besottedly suction cup themselves to you like a deranged sex octopus, leaving you no choice but to treat them with coldness and general assholery in order to diminish your utter attractiveness, and prevent them from from feeling too many positive emotions in your general direction; you will find it immensely liberating to assume instead that they are just as capable of "casual" as you are.

This shit is very hard and takes some getting used to. I myself had attained black belt status at delayed text message responding, unnecessarily veiled descriptions of my companions, and, most egregiously, refusing to believe that any affection or invitation could be offered without ulterior motives.

But then I had my first experience dating a man who was in an open marriage, and everything changed.

OMG this was so dope. I had known Married Eggplant before we started hooking up, so I knew he was legit in an open relationship, which I found very important for my first foray into participating in non-monogamy. I knew he was married, so there was no possibility that he wanted anything other than a casual relationship. He knew I knew he was married, so there was no need for him to twist himself into Eggplant Pretzels to prevent me from getting the wrong idea.

We went on dates, which were flirty and fun, and easy. It was like going out for pizza and wine with a new friend: one-upping each other on stories, fighting about which character on Game of Thrones is the best, sharing stories of ex lovers both impressive and idiotic without having to stress about anyone's feelings getting bruised. But instead of pouring each other into separate cabs at evening's end, we went home together and had the MOST incredible, inventive sex.

This was all easy because I could accept his sweetness was genuine, and offered for its own sake, not because he was tying to wife me, but just because he liked me. And I in turn could freely offer my own genuine affection, because he was nice, and sexy, and fun, and I knew he too would accept it just for itself, free from ulterior motive.

It was a goddamn revelation.

I cannot recommend dating an impossible partner of this type more highly. Once you have been treated thus, you will never settle for that anxiety ridden bullshit again. Just make sure the marriage is actually open if you go married, because if homey is just a cheater he is, amongst other things, less likely to treat you as well. 

3. Open your mouth for maximum enjoyment

Part of the getting used to it part is processing your FEEEEEElings out loud and together. Unless one of you has brought your crystal ball to bed, you won't know where your partner is on the ethical fucking learning curve until you open your mouth and talk about it.

Everyone likes it a little different, and you cannot come to a mutual agreement on the shape of your relationship (How much togetherness is too much? How much is too little? Are pet names something we want to do or nah? Are we dating other people or only fucking other people; or neither or some other combo of the two?  How much texting equates to "all the time" and how much is "never"? When is too soon to talk about butt stuff?) without actually talking about it.

This may feel like a drag because a) it is fucking hard and b) when you reveal what you actually want, you place your true self at risk.

But aint no other way buttercup, so hitch up your big girl (or boy) britches and get to it.

Not that it's all bad...

For example, once you are used to feeling like a powerful, sexually liberated person and do not fear being labeled a garbage slut, it is easier to say: do this to me, do that to me; these are my secret fantasies, would you care to help me make them real?

 People are generally surprisingly eager for instructions of this type.

Enjoy.

 

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