Dating actors ruined all my celebrity crushes
So here's the thing. Yes, I drew a big DON'T symbol over sexy Ryan Gosling's endlessly memed HEY GIRL face. But not because I'm tryna say I suddenly find him repulsive. My eyeballs are still fully functional, thankyou. I will still always marry him when he appears in a game of Marry-Fuck-Kill.
(which omg dudes, seriously, is there anything more fun than zealously objectifying pretty people, while sitting around in groups; loudly declaiming, in grossly hyperbolic terms, the things you would will "literally" do to them were you ever to be within arms reach of them? I personally know for a fact I have allowed the words, "I would literally fuck him right here on top of this table in front of all of you, I wouldn't even care" to leave my mouth. And when challenged on my use of "literally", gone ahead and insisted I would literally, actually, factually do this thing. Which I certainly would fucking not. Not least of which because, now that I'm writing it out, it sounds pretty rapey.)
Objectifying get-to-know-you games notwithstanding, these days when I gaze goo-ily at that impeccably groomed facial hair, I can no longer blithely imagine combing through it with my fingers, or lying sweaty on his shoulder as we prattle pretty pillow talk at each other, because, here's the thing:
Bless their hearts. But for real though - we are talking about a group of humans who are unbelievably fucking navel gazing, in part because their entire job is to plumb the depths of every emotion that has ever flickered fleetingly to life in their bodies, so as to be able to analyze, discuss, reanalyze, and regurgitate it for potential use on screen/stage/supermarket/subway platform/happy hour with your coworkers/awkward moments with your neighbors/etc. ad infinitum.
Legitimately, this is their job. And let me just say, I appreciate how difficult it must be to do it well. Because I love movies. And plays. And storytelling in general. Stories, the best stories, the ones that leave a lasting impact, and maybe change the way we view ourselves, or our world, or the people around us, are always built on the back of performances that would be impossible to deliver without the type of deep, and relentless introspection that transforms the actors into over-emotional twats in their daily lives.
Cursed with first hand knowledge to this effect, I find that now, whenever I try to dive deep into the entrancing, bluegreen eyes aflame in the face of the v. boneable Michael Ealy, I am rudely interrupted by the thought that maybe he, too, is so emotionally unhinged that he might, for example, burst into tears because it was "just so thoughtful" for me to have picked him up a donut from the shop he likes, I know how far out of your way that is - no, really, I was over there anyhow, it's not that serious, it's just a donut, not a declaration of my undying love and affection. This is too much, what you're doing right now. This reaction is unreasonable. Actually you're kinda freaking me out, STAHP.
I acknowledge that no group is a monolith, and that my sample set of 2 dudes I have dated is not scientifically significant enough to make sweeping generalizations about an entire class of people.
How can I focus on how enjoyable it would be to reach up and palm the considerable pectorals of the Khal of my heart, Jason Momoa, or press the pads of my fingers to the whorls of his tattoos, tracing them down to wherever they might lead, when the possibility that post blowjob I will have to endure a 40 minute rant regarding the psychology he imagines to have motivated some slight - real or imagined - he suffered at the hands of whoever-is-today's-unlucky-schmuck, (who was probably not even thinking about him, just trying to live a life, you know? not everything everyone does all the time is directed at you, my GOD) keeps encroaching into my fantasy land?
Seriously you guys, it sucks. I long for the days when I could creep uninterruptedly on a famous face without worrying whether they are secretly a selfish, hyperbolically emotional monster. So please do not take this post as an admonishment to stop imagining yourself squished delightfully against the entire roster of this year's golden globes nominees. If you can still do it, I salute you! Please proceed to perv!
It is just my personal curse that I am forced to suspect all actors everywhere of this....behavior. And once a dude has said or done something that would makes me want to gnaw my arm off to get away from him, or, ya know, passionately punch him in the dick, he's not gonna be able to get said dick anywhere near my...anything. Even, apparently, when imaginary.
Thus, I cannot really recommend you date an actor (even, or rather, especially a non-famous one). Because it is fun to crush on celebs, and it would make me sad to see you get all the fun sucked out of your crushes in future, the way I have had my personal fun sucked.
But you know, you do you! Especially if the two situations described above don't, in fact, kill your lady boner, but rather rev your engine in new and exciting ways. If so, please date all the actors! (Maybe date only actors). Sounds like y'all will have a wild, dramatic, intense, and (possibly) utterly satisfying relationship.
In a way.
I miss you, Ryan Gosling.